Your judgments are not about others. They are about you and your conditioning. No one has "the right" conditioning. We all have our own, and no one has exactly the same conditioning, which helps explain why getting along is so challenging. To make things worse, we all think our conditioning is the right conditioning, or at least better than someone else's, or we wouldn't judge others and try to change them. This is our stance because we are programmed to have this stance.

Like a fish in water, we don't see or examine certain programmed assumptions we have as human beings. One of the deepest and most unconscious assumptions we have is that what we think is true. We live by the unquestioned assumption that if we think it, it must be true. We do not question our beliefs because they are what we think. Since everyone has different ideas (conditioning), this causes a lot of problems in relationships. Much energy is expended trying to convince others of what we believe or defend our ideas when it could be much better spent.

Ideas are just ideas. They are not that important, but we are programmed to think they are because ideas create our identity—they create the you that you think you are. Without your ideas, beliefs, opinions, dreams, and memories, who would you be? Who is this you that you think you are if not a composite of your ideas—your conditioning? You can test this out in moments when thinking isn't happening: Where is this you with all of its stories, history, and beliefs? For a moment it stops existing, but do you still exist?

Something still exists even when you stop identifying yourself as this you with all its ideas and history. This something that exists beyond thought is the real you—essence. It is present when you are thinking too, but you don't notice it because you are lost in thought (how true that expression is!).

And what are ideas? Without your belief in them, they are nothing. In and of themselves they have no power, and the truth they contain is only relative truth, not ultimate truth. Your judgments relate to beliefs you personally hold as true. They are true to you, but not ultimately true. The beliefs you hold as personally true are very different from the ones others hold as true, and no one's are ultimately true, although the ego feels its are. The best thing we can say about a belief is that it has more truth than another, but that also often depends on one's perspective—one's conditioning.

Although some conditioned ideas and beliefs appear to be truer and more helpful than others, it is not your business to try to change the conditioning of others unless they ask you to. Even if you are a spouse, lover, parent, sibling, or close friend, it is still not your business. Not only is it not your business to change others, but it is harmful to relationships to try to do this. Ideas are just not worth the price paid in love lost. Love is more important than any conditioned idea or belief, but if you take your conditioning more seriously than love, you will lose love. The other will withhold love from you because it will be too painful for him or her to love you.

Conditioning takes this toll time and time again in relationships, and we think the problem is a lack of love. What causes relationships to break down or never leave the ground is often not a lack of love but valuing ideas over love. When we are identified with the ego, we do choose ideas over love because being right is more important than loving. In the egoic state of consciousness, others' differences frighten us, and to feel safe, we feel we need to change them. So, doing this seems very important.

In reality, love is always the safest choice, but the ego doesn't see this. Only essence does, and you must drop into essence yourself to realize this. This isn't always easy to do in relationships because differences are so apparent and conditioning is triggered so frequently. Conditioning triggers judgment, and that triggers the desire to change someone, which causes conflict and pain and, consequently, withdrawal from relationship.

The easiest place to stop this cycle is at the beginning, when the judgment first appears, because the judgment has the least momentum at that point. You can't keep judgments from arising because that is not under your control or anybody else's, but you can decide to do nothing about your judgment. And that is the best choice you can make if you want love and relationship.

Many would say that if someone doesn't conform to what they want, they don't want to be in a relationship with him or her anyway. That is their choice and the reason most relationships dissolve or never get started. Those who make this choice are not likely to find love or lasting and meaningful relationship with anyone because no one will ever meet their stiff and very personal requirements. Those who make this choice don't believe that, so they keep looking and keep rejecting others.

They explain their lack of relationship by saying the person was too this or too that, but the question is, Too this or that for whom? Who is it that has these requirements and preferences? It is the conditioned self—the ego—and it will never be pleased. As long as you let the ego choose your partners, you won't have one. The ego is in the business of rejecting others, not accepting and loving them.

For love, you need to turn to the real you because that is the one who knows how to love. When essence is evoked in relationships, you find yourself saying yes to love and no to your ideas about how others should be. You choose love instead of your conditioned preferences. Love feels too good to walk away from just because of some differences. But the ego doesn't allow you to feel love. It cuts love off with judgments before you even have a chance to experience it. Those who are entrenched in the ego do not feel much love. Fortunately, love is less than a breath away, if only we turn our attention away from our judgments and onto the moment, which is full of exactly what we are looking for: love that is perfect just the way it is.




The present moment is where we meet our true Self. It is where we can discover who we really are. The Self resides and abides in the present moment, not in some thought about the future or the past or even the present. Who we really are is not who we think we are. Who we really are has nothing to do with thinking and everything to do with not thinking. It is in not thinking that we can experience the present moment and, consequently, who we really are.

The egoic mind runs from the present moment—the now—whenever it encounters it. It can’t survive in the now. It disappears as soon as it encounters the now. It is revived and survives through thought, particularly through thoughts about the past and the future, but also through thoughts about the present. The mind tells a story about the now whenever it encounters it, and this takes it out of the now and into the mind’s made-up reality. The mind lives in its interpretation of reality, not in reality. It lives in its explanations about what is, what was, and what will be. These stories spun by the egoic mind take us away from the living reality of the present moment.

To experience the now, we merely have to notice what is true about the present moment, without our interpretations, opinions, judgments, beliefs, or concepts about what we are experiencing. This may sound difficult, but all that is required is a shift from giving our attention to the mind and its ideas about the now to noticing the ideas that the mind spins about the now. In addition to this, noticing whatever else is present—again, without interpreting or judging it—brings us into the now and can keep us there as long as we continue to notice. However, once any judgment or opinion or belief is considered and not just noticed, we are back in the mind and identified with the ego again rather than with the Self, our true nature.

Whenever we notice and become fully involved in what is without becoming involved in the activity of the mind, the Self—our true nature—becomes apparent. Noticing is a doorway to experiencing who we really are because noticing is the nature of the Self. The Self is often referred to as “Awareness” because who we are is this Awaring Presence that is conscious and aware of everything that is going on. It is joyously participating in its creation by being aware of what it has created—this world of illusion, including itself manifesting as an individual.

When we stop and ask, “Who am I?” what we find is no-thing. We find only Presence, Awareness, Consciousness, which is aware of the thoughts, feelings, sensations, and experiences of the individual that we assume we are. This Awareness—this noticing of everything—is who we really are! We are the Self that created the illusion of separation. We are both the creator and the created! The Self created the illusion of separation by programming the egoic mind to see itself as separate and to forget its true nature as Oneness. Once we realize that we are this Awareness—this noticing—it makes sense that noticing is a way back to the Self. The Self also intended that we would re-discover our true nature someday; so although the Self is hidden by the mind, it has always been there, noticing. How could it be otherwise, when it is everything?

The Self not only notices but allows whatever is being created by its creations. Once we have realized the Self through noticing, allowing is necessary if we are to stay in contact with the Self. Our noticing must be infused with allowing. This noticing and allowing is without any mental activity; or if there is mental activity, then that is noticed. The mind, on the other hand, does the opposite of allowing. When it notices something, it immediately labels it, evaluates it, and relates it back to me—to how it will affect me. As soon as we become engaged with the mind, allowing stops; and when that happens, we become identified once again with the me—with the illusion, rather than with who we really are—the Self.

The Awareness that is our true nature is aware of everything that is part of the present moment: the thoughts, the feelings, the sensations, the energy, the sights, the sounds, the inner experiences, and much more. When we are noticing and allowing, we too are aware of all this; and from this, a knowing may arise about actions that might be necessary in the next moment. Activity inspired by the Self naturally arises from awareness of what is present in each moment.

The mind has its version of each moment and attends to only part of what is possible to experience in any moment. It acts in keeping with its limited perceptions and sense of separateness. These actions might be very different from the actions the Self would choose. The Self will allow the individual to follow the ideas and feelings generated by the mind if this doesn’t interfere with the Self’s intentions because part of what the Self intends is that the individual explore the world and create according to his or her ideas and feelings. The Self is interested in seeing what the individual will create, but it also has goals of its own. When it wishes to steer the individual in a certain direction, it has many ways of doing this. It also participates in creation by inspiring spontaneous action—action that arises without prior thought.

So, you could say there are two types of activity: activity instigated by the egoic mind and activity instigated by the Self. Both are often going on simultaneously. As we evolve, the Self begins to live through us more, and mentally-driven activity structures our life less and less.

Noticing is an important spiritual practice for getting in touch with the Self and how it is moving us through life. The Self is very active in our lives and can be more active the more we acknowledge it as a motivating force. The less attention we give the mind and its suggestions for how to live our life, and the more attention (notice) we give to the Self and its intentions for our life, the more smoothly and happily we will move through life. Noticing and allowing are key spiritual practices that both align us with our true nature and support its intentions for us.  




Question from a reader: Isn’t the idea that the Self has intentions for someone just another belief?

Theo: The mind takes the truth and misunderstands and twists it, but that doesn’t mean that Truth does not exist. The truth that the Self has intentions for you is felt/experienced by you. This truth is apparent by the fact that you are drawn in certain directions and not others, while others are drawn in very different directions. Everyone feels the intentions of the Self and responds to them, whether they realize it or not. Pulls and pushes on the part of the Self are how it indicates its intentions. It also steers you away from certain directions with a sense of “no” or by presenting blocks to that direction.

Why do you choose what you choose? Sometimes you choose from the level of ego—the egoic self chooses to get money, security, power, fun, pleasure, etc. But many times your choices reflect essence, that is, something deeper and truer within you (your true Self). Through you, essence makes choices that bring true happiness, true love and connection, and activities that develop and fulfill you, according to its divine plan for this lifetime, which is reflected in the astrology chart.

The chart points to directions that will fulfill you in this lifetime. Every lifetime has different directions and goals, and they are made manifest through drives, which propel you in certain directions and not in others. These drives are unique to this lifetime, and they move your life forward. The specific choices you make in response to these drives are up to you: You can make positive or negative choices in response to these drives. Either way, you will learn, and either way, you will fulfill essence’s intentions to some extent or in some way. The more you live in alignment with essence, the more you will fulfill these drives as essence intended rather than according to the ego’s goals and values. And the more you will be happy.

These drives are difficult to ignore. If they are ignored, they can result in depression, illness, unhappiness, and a lack of fulfillment. Usually, one way or another, you respond to them and the life you create is a reflection of them. Because these drives are so difficult to ignore and because the egoic programming is also so strong, you may feel like you don’t have free will: You feel driven to respond automatically to these drives, to the ego’s drives, and to other programming with little sense of having a choice about it.

However, when you become more conscious of your programming, you can begin to make a choice about whether you will follow the egoic mind’s drives, desires, and conditioning or follow the intentions of essence, as it intuitively and in other ways nudges you to do this or say that. Essence doesn’t work through the mind, like the ego does. So, its intentions don’t come through as thoughts but as urges to act, speak, and move in certain directions. With essence, you “sense” the truth or the falsity of a certain direction. You learn to trust this sensing and you learn to distrust your thoughts, which are primarily ego-driven conditioning.

Every day, you are following essence’s intentions, but you are probably also following the ego’s. The more you learn to follow essence’s and disregard the ego’s, the happier and more fulfilled you will be. It is your destiny to be aligned with essence and fully express it in the world rather than the ego. That is where evolution is headed for everyone.

Question from a reader: Is intention powerful? Can we create with intention?

Theo: If an intention is in alignment with essence, then making that intention will smooth the way for its manifestation. Intention is useful for unblocking or neutralizing any conditioning that may be preventing you from fulfilling essence’s intentions for you. Both intention and affirmations help to neutralize negative thoughts and, consequently, negative feelings that can interfere with fulfilling your life’s/soul’s purpose.

An intention or desire that comes from the ego (rather than from essence) may manifest if you put enough will and action behind it and if essence allows it. However, if manifesting it will interfere with essence’s intentions for you, then essence will block it, no matter how much will and effort you put into manifesting it.

Theo is a collective consciousness on the mid-causal plane and a teacher for earth.