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Myth of Desire
From Anatomy
of Desire by Gina Lake
Desiring
is wanting what is not presently true, or real. If it were true, or
real, you wouldn’t need to desire it. Inherent in desiring is
a
feeling of lack—of something missing. Also inherent in it is
the
feeling, or belief, that if that were not lacking, you would be happy.
We long for what we don’t have because we believe that having
it
will finally bring us peace and happiness. We don’t realize
that
the lack of peace and happiness we are feeling is actually a result of
desiring what we don’t have. The desire is the cause of our
unhappiness, not the fact that the desire is unfulfilled.
When we examine this, this seems so obvious. Desire is painful. We
suffer because we believe we are lacking something necessary for our
happiness. That is a very sad (and untrue!) story, but it is
essentially everyone’s story. Everyone feels this way because
the
mind is programmed to be unhappy with whatever is happening. No matter
what is happening, the mind comes up with complaints about it or ways
to improve on it. That is its job. That is what it is programmed to do,
and it does it very well.
This situation is painful for two reasons: It is painful to not have
what you want, but it is also painful to discover that there is no end
to wanting, even after you do get what you want. What we really want is
the peace that comes from no longer wanting. We hope to experience
peace and happiness once and for all by getting what we want. However,
peace and happiness are not achieved by getting but by loving what is,
just the way it is. We are so afraid that if we love what is we will
never get what we want, when that has been the secret to happiness all
along!
Loving what is would seem to be the simplest thing possible. It
involves no effort, no struggle, no longing, and no disappointment. But
loving what is goes against our programming, so it is difficult. It
requires vigilance to counteract the egoic mind’s automatic
rejection and resistance to whatever is happening. To experience the
peace and happiness that exist in this moment, it is necessary to stop
listening to the egoic mind, which undermines this peace and happiness
with complaints and judgments. These are the tactics it uses to take us
out of the present and into its world of desires, hopes, and dreams. It
woos us with fantasies of a more perfect world, a more perfect mate, a
more perfect experience, and a more perfect you, all of which are
unreal and will never be real.
Your fantasies, dreams, and desires don’t create reality or
even
reflect reality accurately, although they do affect your experience of
it. When you are focused on your desires, dreams, and fantasies, you
are not experiencing this moment, and you are missing out on the real
richness, peace, and happiness that are right here, right now.
The
Nature of Dreams
Most of us assume that our dreams are meant to be fulfilled. We believe
that our dreams are meaningful and have a purpose. They spur us to take
action, but is the goal—the dream—a worthy one? We
assume
so, or why would we have it? Like every other thought, we assume that
our dreams are true and meaningful. We believe in our dreams, and they
define us to some extent: “I am someone who
wants….”
Our dreams shape our choices and our actions. They shape our lives.
The problem with assuming that our dreams are meaningful and that they
will make us happy is that dreams and the desires that make
them
up are just thoughts, most of which come from the egoic mind, which is
not so wise about what will make us happy. We assume that our dreams
are our personal prescription for happiness, and that just
isn’t
so.
Dreams are just not that important. It is an illusion that our dreams
are meaningful. Just because we have a dream doesn’t mean it
is
meant to be fulfilled. Everyone has dreams, and many people have
similar ones. They are part of our programming as humans and not
meaningful messages from “above.” They are messages
from
the egoic mind, but that is hardly a worthy guide for our lives.
This doesn’t mean there are no true dreams that do have
meaning
for us; however, these don’t come in the form of specific
images.
Essence, our deeper self, releases impulses to create something in the
world, but the specifics of how it will look are not given ahead of
time by essence—or even known. Any specific image you have is
generated by the mind, as it attempts to foretell and affect what will
happen. The mind doesn’t like uncertainty, so it makes up a
complete image and pretends that that is how it will be—or
should
be. This image may have little to do with what essence intends, and it
has the potential of sidetracking or shaping the end result, but
essence allows this. Thus, the manifestation of every dream is usually
a co-creation between the egoic mind and essence.
Although many believe that holding an idea in your mind long enough and
strongly enough will cause it to manifest, this simply isn’t
true. If this were true, then many more people would have exactly what
they wanted and imagined. We all know that getting what we want
isn’t as easy as that, and even when we do get what we want,
it
doesn’t look exactly like we imagined. It is impossible for
anyone to imagine something exactly as it will be, and yet many feel
they have failed because they haven’t been able to manifest
what
they have imagined.
The mind comes to some very irrational conclusions at times, and the
idea that you can get what you want by holding the thought of it in
your mind is not only irrational but contrary to all evidence.
Nevertheless, the egoic mind clings to this belief because it wants
this to be true because this would give it some sense of control in a
world where the ego, in fact, has very little. Rather than delivering
the desired result, this strategy brings suffering because it is
ineffective and people tend to blame themselves when it fails. However,
if they looked around, they would see that no one else is succeeding
with this strategy either. But the ego doesn’t encourage such
a
rational approach because it doesn’t want the falseness of
this
cherished belief exposed.
The ego wants you to believe that it can get you what you want. It
wants you to believe that it is a worthy and trustworthy ally so that
you will continue to turn to it. If you didn’t believe in the
egoic mind’s ability to guide and assist you, it would be out
of
a job, and it wants to exist in its current capacity, even though it
fails miserably at bringing you happiness.
Desires
and Dreams Are Not Meaningful
The belief that our desires and dreams are meaningful is a core
assumption we rarely question. We can’t become free from the
domination of the egoic mind without questioning this core assumption
because desires and dreams are key thoughts, which keep us tied to the
egoic mind and keep us busy with plans for getting what we want. They
also generate a majority of our feelings: When our desires and dreams
are getting met, we are happy and confident; when they
aren’t, we
are unhappy, sad, angry, ashamed, and fearful.
We don’t like it when we are not getting what we want because
this results in feelings we don’t like. In particular, we
feel
powerless and afraid. We feel that if our desires and dreams are
meaningful, then we should be able to attain them. If we
aren’t
able to, we feel we have failed at something important. We feel as if
our life is going wrong—or worse: We are afraid we will never
have the life we want, and that will mean we are doomed to unhappiness,
failure, and shame—forever.
We take our desires and dreams very personally. This assumption that
they are meaningful implies that they are personally meaningful, that
they are specially made for us. If we aren’t able to attain
them
(preferably immediately), we feel ashamed, as if we failed at a mission
we were given. We feel betrayed by life and by ourselves. We thought we
were powerful enough to make life happen our way, and now we see we
aren’t. That is a blow to the ego, which assumes that it is
that
powerful. This humbles us, which is a good thing because it shows us
the truth: We are not the one in control of our destiny. We co-create
alongside something else that is shaping our life.
It can take many experiences of the failure of our dreams before we
begin to catch on that maybe our dreams are not true. Maybe other
things are more important than them. Maybe the dashing of our dreams
and what is learned from that is more valuable than the fulfillment of
any dream.
Having our dreams dashed forces us to see that life goes on, and it
goes on as it always has: unpredictably and in a way that is beyond our
control. Having dreams and desires gives us a story line, a sense of
destiny, while life is never that clear. We don’t really know
where our lives are going, but having desires and dreams gives us a
script, so we think we know: The plan is to fulfill our desires. This
plan, however, was created by the ego, and it doesn’t really
know
what life intends for us. It doesn’t know essence’s
plan or
even that there is a plan beyond its desires. It is convinced its
desires and dreams are what life is all about, and we believe it.
Having desires and dreams gives the ego something to do. It gives our
life structure. What will I do today? I’ll go after what I
want.
End of story. No need for further questioning. They also keep us
focused on the mental world, where plans are made for getting what we
want and fantasies are created, which drive those plans forward. All
this mental activity keeps our attention off the deeper questions and
gives us a pseudo reason for being. It would be one thing if this
strategy brought us happiness, but its lack of success at doing this
eventually causes us to question the value of our desires. If life
isn’t about desire-fulfillment, then what is it about?
The ego has no answer for this, but essence does. Essence’s
answer, however, doesn’t come in words. Its answer is
released in
the moment, as essence moves us forward toward more meaningful
activities, ones that don’t necessarily fulfill our desires
and
dreams but fulfill us on deeper levels.
Freedom
from Desire
You will never be free of having desires, but you can be free from the
need to have your desires met. We suffer not because we have desires
but because we feel we have to have them met. It is possible to have as
many desires as you have always had but not suffer over them. We suffer
over them because we believe they are essential to our happiness. This
belief is actually what causes our suffering.
For most, the solution to the suffering caused by desiring what you
don’t have is trying to get it. Consequently, many spend
their
lives going after what they want, which is what they believe they need
to be happy. But there is another solution to this problem of desiring
what you don’t have, and that is to see it for what it is:
Desire
is just the thought “I want….” Can a
thought cause
suffering? Yes, if you agree with it. Who is this I that wants?
When you see that the I is the ego and not who you really are, it puts
wanting in perspective. Wanting is forever coming out of the ego. If
you give your attention to it, you will be chasing one desire after
another. The ego is in the business of manufacturing desires. There is
no real rhyme or reason to what it desires; it wants one thing and then
another. Often, it wants opposite things (e.g. “I want a
relationship and I want to be independent”). It wants
whatever it
thinks of or whatever it sees. It is easy to see the ego at work in
small children in stores: “I want that. I want that. I want
that!” People are designed to want. It is automatic and not
meaningful.
Once you are able to separate yourself from this I and see how
undiscriminating, random, and constant the ego’s wanting is,
you
gain some distance from your desires, and there is freedom in that. You
can be more objective about them. They no longer seem like they belong
to you, and that makes them less compelling. What makes the
“I
want” so compelling is that it is happening inside you, so
you
identify with it and believe you do want that—and need that
to be
happy.
Once you have some distance from this I, you are free to choose whether
to listen to it or not. You are more able to evaluate the desire and
come to a conclusion about it yourself. Sometimes desires are worth
listening to, or at least harmless. The desire for some ice cream, for
instance, or for some other pleasure, can bring enjoyment if it is not
indulged in too often.
Giving
Your Attention to Essence
It is exhausting to be wanting so constantly and so strongly. If you
give a lot of attention to the ego’s wanting, it increases,
and
so does your suffering. By giving the ego’s wanting less
attention, you decrease your suffering. Then, it is possible to give
your attention to something more rewarding: essence. When your
attention is being given to the ego’s wanting, it is not
being
given to something more fulfilling and true. Shifting your attention
from the ego’s wanting to essence not only lessens your
suffering
but increases your peace, contentment, joy, and happiness. That is a
good tradeoff!
The peace, joy, happiness, and contentment of essence are right here,
right now, but we overlook them because we pay attention to the loud
and noisy mind and its demands: “I want!” They get
our
attention not only because they are so loud in comparison to essence,
but because they are so insistent and full of fear. The ego tells a
story that makes its desires feel urgent and important: “You
may
not survive, and you certainly won’t be happy
unless….” The fear that is stirred up fuels
action, but it
is painful to have this as a motivator.
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